The next level thinks he is the next level.

Atlas would drop the world for a chance to shake his hand.

He never says long story short

The moon is actually orbiting him.

He taught Hellen Keller sign language…in Japanese.

It is know that when he sneezes.. followers gather for religious believes.

He once fired a Rifle… but his stare made the kill.

He once taught a german shepherd to bark in spanish..

he challenged his shadow to a race…..and dusted it

He doesn’t give high fives; only high sixes

He is the Godfather’s Godfather

He once had a staring contest with himself….four days later, he won.

His Mother has a tattoo that says Son

Dyslexics consider him doglike

He always makes sense because he always makes money

He does not know what he does not know!

He once cracked a joke ….and the punchline decyphered the enigma machine

He once compared apples to oranges…and it resulted in a popular beverage for people not himself

While in college he scored a touchdown and his father said hi mom to the TV camera

When he needs bread…it usually accompanies a gourmet meal

When pressed for time the laundromat keeps a designer suit just his size on hand

When people pay attention to him, he keeps the change.

He divorced twice as many time as he has been married. and the judge gave him everything in each case.

He can make orange juice, out of apples.

He never attended a school Prom. The Prom always came to him…..

Chuck Norris fears him

Once he thought he was wrong… that was the only time he was ever wrong.

Once he thought he was wrong… that was the only time he was ever wrong.

When he gives blood, countries thank him

He once turned a vampire into a vegetarian.

He doesn’t believe in using oven mitts, nor potholders.

My favorite: The contents of his taco refuse to fall out.

for him 15 min early is 10 min late

His children are many and they are interesting

The word interesting was created by the scribe upon whom he once set his gaze

he destroyed the periodic table..the only element he recognizes is fear!

The bulls flat out refuse to chase him.

His beard holds as much as 12-gauge steel wire.

The last time he shaved, he donated a double-king sized comforter to an orphanage.

If ever a woman were there who could resist his charm…well, let’s face it. There’s not.

In 1981, he refused to star in a movie based on his own life, due to a dispute with the director, Steven Spielberg.

he once lapped his opponent in a drag race.

he won the 1995 world series of poker using uno cards.

If we were in a recession he could get us out of it

If he were a firemen he wouldn’t have to shave his beard

If he was racing someone with a car and he had a bicycle he’d still win

If computers didn’t exist he would still have an email

Atlas would drop the world for a chance to shake his hand, but the world would not fall because he would catch it with is free hand

He has never once been asked to hold while on the phone.

He once paid someone to interrupt him while he was telling a story just to see what it felt like.

Sheep count him to fall asleep.

He has received multiple Ph. Ds and a MD in both medicine and dentistry without ever attending a single day of school.

Sharks attempt to punch him in the nose if he gets to close to them.

Chuck Norris is his bodyguard.

The Holy Grail is looking for him.

He has never lost a Cigarette lighter.

He once went to a brothel and the whores paid him.

Whenever he goes to Las Vegas people bet on how much he wins!

He is so independently wealthy that at his house money does grow on trees!

He taught Tesla everything he knew.

He once was able to get online…with no internet connection.

He can control the One Ring. Without having to wear it. Even after Frodo threw it into a volcano.

The MythBusters planned to do an episode on TMIMITW myths. Until they realized they weren’t myths.

He’s responsible for the growing population of adult male virgins in the world.

The Illuminati asked to join him.

When he meets the Pope, the Pope kisses his ring.

If he were any more self-actualized, he would have to be nailed to a cross for the redemption of the world.

Jesus prays to TMIMITW for forgiveness of his sins.

He can win an argument with a knowing look.

He doesn’t make wishes on his birthday, he grants them.

You’ve got three here that they should use in an international commercial…so everyone can enjoy the wit.

He’s a lover not a fighter, but he fights as great as he makes love.

the bartender always tips him

he doesn’t play golf, but if he did he would beat you blindfolded.

the phrase, making love was coined by the first woman lucky enough to sleep with him.

His voice is so soothing, he once put a hypnotist to sleep!!!

He once hooked Nesse while deep sea fishing… In the Bermuda Triangle! ,Stuart J.{most intresting man in Texas.}

He can use google to find out EXACTLY where Chuck Norris is.

God rested on the 7th day because he was made on the 6th.

He has read all the books in the library of congress…twice

Karma sutra was created from his one night stand in India

his blood is a natural cure for every disease known to man.

he is fashionably late even when he arrives an hour early

he taught chuck norris how to do a roundhouse kick

even in silence, he has said more than a lesser man ever could

Once killed a bear with a can of tuna and a suggestion

He has looked a gift horse in the mouth, twice.

Sharks have a week dedicated to him….

the whales want to save him.

The Force uses him … but only because he’s okay with that.

When he sneezes God says bless you.

he is the unholy spawn of george carlin and george hamilton

when he farts it smells like cherry tobacco

the world is a bottle of tequila … and he is the worm

He lives up to his own stereotype: The Most Interesting Man In the World.

His business card says I’LL CALL YOU…

He gets Gatorade poured on him after the win…and he’s not even the coach.

Even Mimes can’t stop talking about him.

He prefers to parallel park

Prostitutes pay him

He gets a second chance to make a first impression.

Even his bad deeds get rewarded.

He once hugged himself just to see how good he feels…

He circumnavigated the globe without even leaving his house…

He has his own currency which never needs to be exchanged.

He has never had a boss, no one can afford him.

He has never been carded…he had a full beard at 12.

Indiana Jones was based off a true story…his.

He once stared into the eyes of Medusa. Now he blocks her calls.

His mother has a tatoo that says SON

His poops are displayed at the Gugginheim

He takes his salad dressing right on the salad, so there is no going back

He defends your rights, even when wrong

He once had Chuck Norris bow down to him in a fight.

He’s the reason why Waldo is hiding in Mexico!

He once stopped and diverted a meteorite with a stare!

Take that Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris.

He once had a prostitute pay him for sex.

He once walked on water just to show off

He never pays for VIP at the gentlemen’s club

He once stared a sniper right in the eye from a mile away

He once called Bin Laden to cut it off!

He once had the IRS pay his taxes

He once won a poker match with 1 chip

He once took a lie detector just to find the truth

The CIA often refers to him as EL Presidente

when he goes to museums, he’s aloud to touch things

He once sojourned a thousand miles to Mecca, turned to the West, knelt and paid homage to himself.

He gives multiple orgasms to his furniture just by sitting on it.

sharks have a week dedicated to him

He has kind dragon eyes

He is the reason Communism doesn’t work…and he did it single handedly

When he eats ice cream fast, the ice cream gets a headache.

Clowns find him scary.

He chases the Bulls in Pamplona.

His animal magnetism would be considered a concealed weapon, if it were concealed.

If his beard were human, it would be the second most interesting man in the world.

Sinatra considered him to be the chairman of the board

Depends on what he is doing at the time, his carbon footprint produces diamonds, charcoal, and graphite.

A moment of silence is mandated whenever he leaves a crowded room.

He once defeated a Goldfish in a staring contest.

Time always waits an extra 5 minutes for him.

He has never worn underwear. Only collects them from his lovers.

If he had a son, that son would be born with a full beard.

A tree once asked him, if it should fall in the woods.

He traveled back in time to meet Alexander the Great And promptly kicked his ass.

He had drinks with the Pope. In a sweat lodge.

In another life, he was a gladiator. But didn’t need to fight.

Tequila is afraid of him.

there is some poor, poor grammar in this site…anyway…

he taught a german shepard how to speak french…

whatever side of the tracks he is on, is the right side. if he crosses the tracks, it is still the right side.

he once experienced an awkward moment…just to see what it felt like.

Gravity defies him. Casey Kennedy

He juggles to help himself get to sleep.

Native’s from Hawaii and the Bahamas call him Paradise.

He just created the world’s most valuable antique today.

He’s been giving birds flying lessons…for quite some time.

He has never once been corrected for his spelling/grammar, not even on the internet.

When he goes to a baseball game, he catches a foul ball. Every time.

He has NEVER bought a suit off the rack. But he COULD if he wanted to.

At football games, h always sits on the 50 yard line, regardless what his ticket says.

When he finds something, it’s not in the last place he looked.

He’s taken the virginity of countless women………he has never met.

when the urge arises to use the bathroom, he never needs toilet paper.

He needs no licks, to get to the center of a tootsie roll.

He once tamed the Dog Whisperer.

when reading his biography it end’s with.. to be continued

he once put his pants on backwards and started a new fashion trend

he visits the moon.. daily

a hairstylist once tried to cut his hair.. but the scissors broke in half

he rents the white house to the president of the united states

stain defender was named after someone accidentally spilled wine on his clothes

He is the one true Highlander. (There can be only one!)

He created the Kama Sutra one weekend in Kapur while playing naked Twister with Maharaja’s daughter.

he is the life of parties he has never been to

He has his cake, and eats it too.

His shadow comes in a variety of colors.

A bird in his hand is worth three in the bush.

He leaps, before he looks.

He counts his chickens well before they’re hatched, though truth be told, he prefers Cornish game hens.

He never climaxes-it feels good enough just being him.

He doesn’t think the song is about him, but it probably is.

Oh, he’ll do the moonwalk, but only on the moon.

No man is an island. But if he were, he’ be Maui.

As the tsunami approached Phuket, that’s what he said, and went surfing anyway.

He never comes, because he’s already there.

He has a Swiss Army johnson

He doesn’t use sun screen, when he goes outside the daylight adjusts accordingly.

When he talks, E.F. Hutton listens..

When he visits the doctor, he gives the doctor the diagnosis.

He is a very patient man…..Until you screw up.

Santa Claus sends him his wish list every year.

If he built a garden maze, it would b responsible 4 most lost persons than the bermuda triangle.

He’s been the best man to groom’s he’s never met.

Even watching him sleep is considered breathtaking.

His beard has its own insurance policy.

When he goes for a swim he doesn’t get wet, the water gets him.

He only acknowledges cheer leading as a sport, when he does it.

He is the cure for the common cold.

He fought the Law…and won.

He shot the Sheriff and the Deputy.

He doesn’t do toast’s at Weddings, the Wedding toasts him.

Priests ask him for forgiveness.

He’s the only person that will never be on the ‘NO FLY LIST’.

He fought the Law…and won.

He once got a girlfriend, got married, went to a honeymoon, and got divorced in 30 min!

Rob Blagojevich once considered him for the US Senate and didn’t even require him to pay.

President Obama gets a shiver down his leg whenever he sees him.

Actually, the moon revolves around him, and not the Earth.

He once broke his leg, for a few minutes.

When he goes for a swim, he doesn’t get wet, the water gets INTERESTING.

Yeah, best one so far

when he goes to a restaurant, the waiters tip him !

he is not allowed to play professional sports, because the other team would always lose by negative numbers

911 has him listed as THEIR emergency backup number

when he goes to the dentist for teeth cleaning, they pay him for the privilege

when he goes to the airport, they ask him to search himself and he never waits in a lineup

- he is the most interesting man in the world

One year, he skipped February 14th and made it the 15th just so all the girls wouldn’t ask him to be their valentine.

He once climbed Mt. Everest barefooted….with one arm tied behind his back……and blindfolded.

He once travelled to and explored the Virgin Islands, when he left they were just The Islands.

Quote- On the 2-party system: The after-party is the one you want to go to.

He taught every star player in Laker’s history, how to be a star MVP through telepathy.

He can go on a spacewalk without a suit!

When he enters a room full of women, he winks at himself.

He could show up at a redneck bat in drag, and they would all give him high fives!

He fathered himself!

His body is so perfect, when he goes to a nude beach, he makes everyone else feel self conscious.

He can play five card stud with only three cards, and win!

When he donates and organ, he just grows another one.

He can dance the minute waltz in thirty seconds.

When he attended college his professors studied under him.

His ten gallon hat holds twenty gallons.

He could dredge the Suez canal…with a dixie cup!

When he parachutes out of a plane, he can float upwards.

He can read French in Chinese.

He has his own time zone.

He can see Saturn without a telescope.

His genes get automatic updates.

He is the most interesting man in the world, but he is even MORE interesting than that!

There are ten commandments, but he only has to obey five.

He can change his eye color at will.

His cat is smarter than you.

Magicians can’t wait to tell him how they do their tricks.

He can eat bread and butter without bread.

He read today’s news last week.

He only sleeps with women who will still respect him in the morning.

At Christmas time Santa Claus asks HIM for presents.

He can water ski on his head.

He beat a Royal Flush with one pair.

He can make hot chocolate without any chocolate.

When he was born, he assisted in his own delivery.

He has fifteen minutes of fame…every fifteen minutes!

He once cut down a sequoia tree with a butter knife.

He once performed successful brain surgery….on himself!

He could walk before he was born.

Mosquitoes just don’t bite him.

The dark is afraid of him.

He once got pulled over for speeding. The cop ended up with the ticket.

He once bought a different brand of beer just to see how an average person’s sense of taste is like…. He couldn’t finish it.

When I washes his clothes, they come out dry and folded.

jerry seinfeld and TMIMITW picked their noses. jerry was ostracized for his pick. TMIMITW, on the other hand, has been lavished with praise for his nose pick! reviewers have deemed it near-perfect for its macho contours, perfectly proportioned shape and superb nostril flair. when it comes to noses, this guy knows how to pick ‘em.

Roosters wait for his permission to crow every morning

he can unscramble eggs

any beach he is on instantly becomes clothing optional

he gave duke kahanamoku surfing lessons

at a four way stop he always goes first and never gets the finger

he once needed a restraining order from a fertility clinic.

His pregnant mother went to bed one evening…only to wake up in the morning and find him sleeping in a crib inside a nursery which never before existed.

Lmao dude he once thought he was wrong but wasn’t…….EPIC

He once decided he would like six pack abs….14 crunches later he had a twelve pack.

With him… its the motion of the ocean AND the size of the wave.

When he undresses a woman with his eyes, she actually strips naked.

In Cheyenne, he once bucked a bull out from under him. In Pamplona, the bulls run from him.

When he goes to the beach, the sun doesn’t dare burn him.

When he touches it, poison ivy develops a rash.

American Idols worship him.

While visiting the Whitehouse, he refused the President’s attempt to bow down to him stating that he never lets any man’s head get that close to his junk, but that he would allow a small curtsy.

he concludes the theory of evolution

the catholic church proudly disclosed his molestation

He trained Flipper, and three weeks later, replaced him in the cast.

Horses whisper to him.

Steven Hawking believes that he created the universe.

When Atlas Shrugged, he assumed the burden

He once ate a Scotch Bonnet pepper, and one hour late shit an icecube.

He once braised a live chicken in his descending colon!

Women melt in his hands. Literally. His dry cleaning bills are astronomical.

He once took out a 30 year mortgage at 8%. He’s that bold.

He exercised Le droit de seigneur with Princess Diana, with the approval of Charles.

He wrote Martin Luther King Jr.’s I Have a Dream speech, after months of insomnia.

He was one of the team of mechanics that repaired Herbie mid-film.

Sophia Loren calls him Papi.

Ricky Martin calls him Papi.

He stood up Sonia Braga for her senior prom.

A vampire conducted an interview with him.

He wears a necklace sporting a pinky finger of Anthony Quinn. Quinn outbid Telly Savalas.

He has never masturbated in his life. It just wasn’t necessary.

As a teenager, he once pantsed Hugo Chavez.

When they air his reality show, cable will consist of one channel.

It’s a privilege to be a part of his family tree.

Can play the piano, but his female companions can play the organ.

The Most Interesting Man in the World’s son is also interesting.

Get a girlfriend my friends!

If he were 5min late, he’d still be on time.

he only has one friend on facebook. himself

His name is often mentioned when people are asked… Who’s your daddy?

My recent post David and Carr feat Jenna Colaizy – Everyday Original Mix

He was Fidel Castro’s Godfather. He later disowned him, not for his policies or politics, but because when he asked him to roll a cigar, it was not to his satisfaction.

The first graduating class of his College of Cool included Paul Newman, Steve Maqueen, and Charles Bronson.

His sweat has been bottled, fermented, and made into a fine cognac.

Sean Connery, was his first assistant.

He discovered the herb, deep in the amazon jungle, that Viagra is really made of.

When singed, his body hair smells like frankensense.

Stay thirsty my friends.

He’s been pronounced dead 7 times…… make that 8

If he were to go to New Jersey, he would pump his own gas

His memory is so good that he does not have to remember !!

willis talks about him…

Elvis called him the King.

He never wears a watch, because time is always on his side.

Heroin is addicted to him…

When he jumps into a pool, the water gets out of his way.

He never experiences ‘shrinkage;’ Even while swimming in the Arctic.

When his his nipple itches, it scratches itself.

In kindergarden, he gave the principal report cards.

Some quotes my friends and I came up with.

He tells the ocean which way the current should take him.

He has seen the world without ever travelling.

He has never had to peel any fruit, it peels itself.

He never has to light his cigars, they come pre-lit.

He always wins the jackpot at a casino, without ever gambling

Submitted by my friends and I.

His suit always stays clean, even while he pullied people from a mudslide.

His bread never gets stale.

His drink stays cold, even while in the bahamas.

He has never made a sour face, but everyone in the room did.

He can fry an egg on ice, without using the sun.

Made by my friends and I.

He calms panicked animals simply by staring at them.

When he cooks his steak, the cow is still fresh.

He tells his milk when, and if, to expire.

He once owned a Flea Circus, using cockroaches.

He can communicate with animals using only his beard.

Natural disasters avoid him.

He can breathe underwater.

He has never sweat, even while mapping a live volcano

When he disco dances, time goes back to 1970

He can produce without ever having intercourse

He can make stars shine, even in daylight.

He can turn a cucumber into a pickle without ever pickling it.

He can make an eclipse happen, just for entertainment.

When he plays ROCK BAND, everyone plays Flawless.

He can drink like a fish and never get drunk.

He invented Dos XX’s while still in the womb.

He can turn skunky beer fresh again with the wave of his hand.

His body is consisted of 80% Dos XX’s, and 20% beard.

He has never opened a bottle of Dos XX’s, they open for him

He is God

When he goes to church, he blesses the priest.

He once gave Jesus the Blood of Christ, which was a primative version of Dos XX;s

He put out a burning building before the fire department could be contacted.

He once won a fist fight, using only his beard.

Chuck Norris modeled his beard after Him.

He is the only person to ever find a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

By my friends and I.

Rome would have been built in a day, if they’d followed his blueprints correctly.

He was once offered the position of Emperor of Earth. He declined. He has more important things to do.

More than 500,000 women claim to have his love child. He has never denied the rumors.

No matter where He goes He is always welcome. And always on time. .no matter when he arrives.

If he were to read the phone book to you,

you would be on the edge of your seat.

There is a brand of cologne scented to smell like his body odor

His professors passed him with failing grades because he really was too cool for school

If he were to turn the Wrong way down a One Way Street, He would still be going the Right way!!

When he goes to the movies, the projector stops, the lights come up, and the audience watches him.

The Most Interesting Man in the World doesn’t need to win a fight because in the end, he always gets the girl.

He is the only person his age who would be allowed to compete on Amercian Idol and leve Simon speechless

He is the only person his age who would be allowed to compete on Amercian Idol and leave Simon speechless

if he had his own holiday, it would be celebrated… all year round

if he jumped of a bridge, everyone else would do it

he can be at two places at the same time and a third place if he wanted to

he counted to infinity….twince

he is not allowed to go trhough metal dectectors because of his magnectic personality

he is the defintion of interesting

He once gave himself a colonoscopy with only his bare hand and a poloroid

He once won the Tour de France but was disqualified for riding a uni-cycle.

He once had an Iphone, but that was back in the 60′s.

His saliva whitens teeth.

He is the Second Highlander!

He’s so dangerous, he has a restraining order against himself. He is the most interesting man in the world.

Chuck Norris onced asked him Why? He replies just because.

Fellas, leave the tight pants to the ladies. If I can count the coins in your pockets, you’d better use them to call a tailor….

Wilt Chamberlain regularly asked for advice on how to get with the ladies. So did Seattle Slew.

He doesn’t put his pants on one leg at at a time. That is for someone else to decide.

He is always upwind.

halfway through the Q. and A.,after giving a speech a woman stood up. “I was just curious,” she said. “What is the exact diameter of your testicle?”

keeping a straight face: “A few people in the audience know that,” he said.

his purpose in life is to give us purpose

He can slap you into last week, and bring you back.

His life story is the life of the party

He once rode into the sunset…..literally

He once rubbed a lamp, to grant three wish’s to the genie.

He can split an atom,…..with a joke.

Traffic cameras snap his pictures, even when he’s walking down the street.

He once waited for a red light just to see what its like to be at one.

His swagger is so deep The Most Interesting Man in the World decided to skip 2010 and wait for us in 2011…See you there my friends.

no one knows what country he is actually from, but 13 countries claim hes from there….

the only person to officially beat chuck norris in a beard off…

He carries around only one key…The way he sees it, why give any door an option?

He does not read minds, he just knows what you’re thinking.

The world does revolve around him, he’s just too modest to admit it.

He is the best man of every wedding.

Once visiting the Queen at Buckingham Palace she bowed to him.

He once flew around the world. Without a plane.

He once arm-wrestled Ernest Hemingway. And even though it was a dream, miles away, Hemingway’s hand was sore.

He speaks fluent Latin. Without even opening his mouth.

He let scientist make a clone from his beard, it’s name is Chuck Norris.

At birth he cut his own umbilical cord

he donates to the poor and gets reimbursed

his first steps set a land speed record.

He thought the song your so vain was about him, and it was

He once told The Terminator, I’ll be back.

He drinks 1 quart of milk every morning…staight from the cow

fly fishes with just a hook

he climbed K2 to paint clouds from the inside

If he committed a faux paus, it would no longer be one.

Oprah would take his dictation…..and he would dole it out slowly.

He is so cool, compared to him the TITANIC struck heat.

No matter where he throws his trash away it’s already recycled.

Stay thirsty my freinds.

He watche’s 60 minutes, in 30 minutes

he never watches season finales, because he already knows how they end

When Donald Trump met him, he said I’m fired

He will not blend.

He would take on any challenge, if there were one.

He once made a weeping willow laugh.

werewolves are jealous of his beard

when he goes to get a massage, he IS the happy ending……

He is rumored to have found the end of pi, but only he knows.

I think the one about

He once started a fire using dental floss and water

is over-the-top enough to merit being in the next commercial

The tree houses he builds have finished basements.

He can kill Super Man, without kryptonite.

he has sex with women he has never met!

his bussiness cards says: I’ll call you

You could slice a pear with the crease in his pants….

He once hit a home run from the on deck circle

When life gives him lemons… He makes Champagne.

He ended the Song That Never Ends

Won the Novel Prize in Chemistry for inventing Cream of Bacon soup.

the only time cheating is good is when death is involved

His Aura is visible from Space

He taught Chuck Norris karate

He was on the cover of his High School Year book.

His identity was stole once, after one hour, the theft returned it in fear of the fact that he would never be able to live up to expectations and dissappoint him.

He gives the Pope confession

His home is 120% fuel and energy effiencient.

When he drives his car, it helps the ozone layer

We base all I.Q exams upon his score.

The most interesting man in the world-

Is the only man to beat Lebron James at a game of one one one.

He only beat Tiger Woods once at golf, Tiger never called him for a rematch.

He wrote a award winner novel, while on the toilet.

Starving children give him food

18 mexican folk songs have been written about his beard

He was once pulled over for speeding, but he let the officer go with just a warning…

you will stay thirsty for a long time, my friend.

* No Less than 18 mexican folk songs have been writen about his beared

He actually wrote Twilight as a practical joke to play on J.R.R. Tolken, it laid on under his war desk for many years before it was found by chance by his maid Stephenie Meyer; the rest is history.

His signature won a pulitzer

He can kill two stones with one bird

When he gives you lemons… You take his lemons.

wow… this ones awesome. hahaha

The hot flashes he elicits in women are one of the causes of global warming.

He eats his asparagus one at a time. Out of respect for his previous mentors.

I actually started smelling cologne while reading this.

When asked about 2012 he simply says what?…are you planning to make me mad?

He once won a staring contest with his own reflection.

He was once up the creek without a paddle, and the creek hasn’t stopped apologizing.

He once threw himself a surprise party, but couldn’t go because he did not give himself enough notice.

He can watch 3D in 3D without the glasses.

He can watch 3D in 3D without the glasses

Grizzly bears wear bells to avoid encounters with him.

With merely a slight nod of encouragement from him, Sisyphus pushed his boulder to the top of the hill…and it stayed there.

He was once falsely accused of a crime, but could not be brought to trial. They could not find a jury of his peers – not a single one.

Over coffee one day with Lisbeth Salander he mentioned, I think a nice dragon tattoo on your back would help you be more assertive. The rest is history.

If my girlfriend were to have relations with him I would not be mad, but proud.

He once soldered a submarine underwater… Without any tools.

He kicked Chuck Norris in the head… Then took his mom on a date..

if he ran for public office..he would be unopposed. when he attends the opera..it is not over until he says it is. even when he was a baby he didn’t cry. when a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, he hears it. we are not worthy..but he’s nice about it. he once gave elvis a cadillac. the airlines have never lost his luggage. if he was appointed to the supreme court..the other jurists could retire. if he were to visit the dark side of the moon..it wouldn’t be.

he has never used a mulligan.

He has his own seat at the United Nations.

He once started a fire underwater!

His parents were named after him

he once walked sideways…backwards

he found a needle in a haystack, blindfolded

when he goes to work he makes moments, not money

he once painted a self portrait of himself as someone else

he carved his own marble statue with his bare hands

he doesnt celebrate thanksgiving, thanksgiving celebrates him

Trouble is afraid to get into him.

If he were to step on a football field, 7 points would show up on the scoreboard.

he is light steps ahead of you, thats why he’s forgot more than you ever learned.

He once witnessed flying Swine during a blizzard in Hades.

He has never waited 15 minutes after finishing a meal before returning to the pool.

Children trust him.

Moses asked him to sneeze in front of the Red Sea.

He invented water.

Facebook has a server dedicated to him.

He once spent 4 weeks staring at the Mona Lisa, only to walk away in disgust.

He spent 16 months stalking a man eating tiger in India, only to take a remarkably focused photograph. It is kept in a small frame in his closet and has never been duplicated…..

When he is invited to a wedding…He kisses the bride

when shit hits the fan, he dodges every particle

You and I put our pants one leg at a time. He does it three legs at a time.

He once trimmed his beard… by dunking his face in a piranha tank.

He watches 3D movies… in 1D.

During Christmas he doesn’t leave cookies for Santa. He leaves Tuna.

He can count to infinity… in one day.

In a bright sunny day, he doesn’t wear sunglasses. He rubs sunscreen in his eyes.

He once punched his own shadow, because it couldn’t keep up with him.

At night, the Boogie man checks under his bed for him.

He found big foot, they smoked a blunt.

LMAO, my absolute favorite of all the ones I’ve heard I think…

the only thing he is afraid of is unicorns…but with good reason

he is banned from walking into gravyards because last time he did he raised the dead with his presence.

Underneath his beard is Chuck Norris.

He once had a starring contest with himself… On the fourth day he won.

His business card just says I’ll call you.

He can speak French… in Russian

He picks up women by literally picking them up.

JESUS CHRIST CONTACTS HIM FOR GUIDANCE AND STRENGTH

When he was born he spanked the Doctor

He knows what’s eating Gilbert Grape, because he told him to.

How about, He has counted to infinity… three times.

He once broke a mirror, and received seven years of good luck.

Once a mugger gave him his wallet.

Black cats won’t even cross his path.

He once made Chuck Norris cry.

He wrote the law of gravity and knows how to break it.

He can make sweet tea unsweet.

He can use both sides of his brain at the same time.

He has always had HD Tv.

He climbs Mt. Everest once a month.

He has an awards show just about him.

He knows where the bat cave is.

He knows how to stop the oil from leaking but doesn’t feel like dealing with it right now.

He never has to refresh a page on the internet.

He has picked every James Bond character.

He never has to refresh a page on the internet.

He never has to refresh a page on the internet.

He once played Who wants to be a millionaire with his own money, in reverse..

His ant farm produces more crops than the State of California

american express calls him to find out when hes leaving home

his only kriptonite is being able to hear silent dog whistles

he has never been picked last in kickball

He doesn’t carry keys, because doors open for him.

A lot of people try to walk in his shoes. He is a size 10 wide.

Two men walk in to a bar. It’s him.

No one has ever jinxed him. It’s impossible to say what he is going to say.

Is attending a fiesta on 2013.

Has walked with the bulls.

He does not find any one word by itself funny. Like beaver or poontang

Is not a religious man, so you better start praying.

Laughing gas makes him smirk.

He auto-erotic-affixated David Carridine.

He thinks, there for he is.

Seconds make him charming. Minutes make him desirable. Hours make him interesting. But days, they make him thirsty.

On December 21, 2012: It’s a Friday, enjoy the weekend

Is not a PC because he is a mack.

Women flock to him, but in no way is he related to the goose!

if he slept with your girlfriend…you would brag to your buddies

On Halloween the neighborhood kids bring him candy

If he were to tell you a secret, he really would have to kill you..

he has never had to take a number

he has never had to wait to be seated

He once played hide and seek with Bin Laden…and won.

if he were your cellmate, it wouldn’t be called rape

When life gives him lemons, he gives them back.

Jesus wears a bracelet that says What would the most interesting man in the world do?

for him, pi is simply 3.

he swam the English channel… underwater

his compass always points to him.

he crossed the equator at Greenwich.

he has identified 11 UFOs.

he painted the Sistine Chapel… on his stomach.

he skyjumped from a submarine.

he gave CPR… to himself.

he went on his honeymoon… before his wedding.

Hugh hefner gets his sloppy seconds

He won a staring contest with a picture of a man with no eyelids.

He was born in a log cabin he built with his own two hands.

He once made a weeping willow laugh.

Every time someone wins a lifetime achievement award, it’s because he took himself out of the running.

haha win.

Dude this is epic.. haha

When he meets the Pope, the Pope kisses his ring. <– Priceless!

Hahah! this is fantastic.

He puts his pants on both legs at a time

He has won the lifetime achievement award…twice.

Danger has his middle name.

He went to Spain to run with the bulls….the bulls went on strike

If he were to jump out of a airplane without a parachute, he wouldn’t fall, the earth would rise to his feet.

His car once tried to break down but he wouldn’t let it.

if he was to fly to any where, his arms would never be tired.

He can eat an ice cream without using his tongue.

He once visited a Psychic…to warn her!

This is not a good thing since 60 Minutes is only about 44 minutes without commercials.

please take OUT the apostrophe in this one:

His charm is so contagious, vaccines we’re created for it.

He is allowed to talk about fight club

chiuauas have never barked at him, he is just that intimidating.

He is the Virgin Mary’s other son that the bible does not mention.

He doesn’t always wear underwear but when he does it’s Hanes.

He is only afraid of unicorns, and for good reason.

If he came across a werewolf, he’d know exactly what to do.

He is always on the right side of the tracks, even if he crossed to the other side, he’d still be on the right side.

He is always on the right side of the tracks. If he were to cross over to the other side, it would still be the right side.

He has proof that the bermuda triangle is actually a parallelogram.

He uses both chinese and japanese characters at the same time, but still gets the message through!

He sold Billy Mays his own beard.

He can speak .braille

He’s has more integrity in his toe nail clippings than Abe Lincoln had in his entire body.

He once gave Bill Gates a small business loan.

His friends don’t throw him going away parties, they just follow him.

He is the only person to find his virginity.

He always bags his limit on Snipe hunts.

Women have named his private parts wishbone.

He composes symphonies when someone pulls his finger.

He didn’t part the Red Sea, but he did trim a little off the back and sides.

He puts his pants on both legs at a time.

His blood type is A plus.

He invented the invention.

His signature won a Pulitzer.

He swims and eats at the same time.

He gets HOV lane, police escorts when driving alone.

His social security # is 69.

His lovemaking is detected with a seismograph.

He would whistle while he works, but he doesn’t work.

His reward posters read NEEDED.

He wasn’t there for Custer’s Last Stand, but he was for Calamity Jane’s last lay.

He was pardoned after pirates applauded him for moonwalking the plank.

He successfully breeds balloon animals.

His beard won ‘Best in Show’ at Westminster.

Thanks. Did not delete, just added to group.

Rabid Wolverines make room for him to pass. They are cured of the disease when they get within five feet of him.

He has Chuck Norris on speed dial but refuses to take his calls. …Amber Lamps

He’s the best a cooking. He’s the best at cleaning. But, he always has at least one or more women cooking and cleaning for him.

He never goes to surprise parties, because by the time the person shows up, nobody cares.

He was told to sleep with one eye open… He Did

Windows 7 was indeed his idea.

His Charisma can be seen by outer space

he once had an awkward moment, just to see how it felt

he once ran a marathon in 10 miles

his photographic memory is in HD

He won the tour de France on a stationary bike.

His his hands are ambidextrous, so are his feet and tongue.

When a tree falls in a forest and nobody’s there to hear it… he hears it.

he tears the tags from his mattresses–with no fear of retribution– no one would dare!

If he were in deep space, black holes would be sucked in by him.

He once asked a woman to say ‘NO’ to him, so he could understand rejection., but see refused.

He can order breakfast any time of day at McDonalds.

Even he longs to be a part, of his own life.

He once stared at himself in the mirror, just to see what it felt like to flinch.

He has found Waldo several times, but has released him because he enjoys the hunt.

He saved 15% on his car insurance in only 5 minutes.

London cab drivers ask him for directions.

Dear Abby regularly seeks his advice.

Tear gas makes him nostalgic about crying.

He has never flown an airplane on autopilot.

Out of respect, telemarketers never call him.

His dentist has never had to remind him to floss.

He has never found it necessary to excuse himself. He isn’t rude; it’s just never come up.

When he met the Amazing Kreskin, he said, I believe you know who I am.

He does crossword puzzles in ink.

He has never had to pay a cover charge.

He has never had to fill out a change of address form to forward his mail. It just shows up wherever he is.

He once ran a marathon race and never broke a sweat.

The eyes of the Mona Lisa follow him as he strolls through the Louvre.

Once he skipped a stone all the way across the Nile River on his first try.

He taught James Bond how to make a vodka martini.

Bigfoot shaved after meeting him.

A female swan abandoned her mate after seeing him.

He taught a llama to stop spitting, pointing out that it was rude.

He can thumb wrestle and juggle at the same time… blindfolded.

The Chinese government allowed him to take a section of the Great Wall for his backyard.

The Dalai Lama believes that He is the Chosen One.

He once swam up Niagra Falls.

He taught mathematics to Stephen Hawkings between rounds of Dos Equis.

He talked Mother Teresa out of giving up her vows for him.

If he had known Sylvia Plath, she’d be alive today.

His beard is the reason why Ernest Hemingway shot himself.

He can sense impending earthquakes before animals. He then warns them.

He was selected by NASA to become as astronaut, but turned them down when they asked him to shave.

When he was atop Mt. Everest, he said,I can see my houses from here.

He wore a light sweater and sandals when he climbed Mt. Everest.

He won the Publishers Clearinghouse contest again.

He allows cobras to bite him to give his beard that special sheen.

He can see in absolute darkness in color.

He walked across Death Valley sustaining himself with pretzels.

He plays charades with the space shuttle astronauts as they orbit overhead.

He is not affected by mass histeria.

If the earth ever lost its magnetic field, we’d still be protected by his.

He is responsible for the Aurora Borealis.

Nostradamus foretold him.

He can spot a bad egg simply by looking at it.

He sometimes swims upstream with salmon to guide them to their birthplace.

He taught Dr. Heimlich that maneuver.

He finds all this fuss over him very interesting.

In a foot race with himself, he won by a beardlength.

The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff has his phone number on speed dial.

While exploring the arctic, polar bears snuggled up to him to stay warm.

He is the father of all of the orphans in Africa.

Stay thirsty my friends.

He has never met a stranger, NEVER!

he once built an empire ….just so he could conquer it.

he can read your mind… in his sleep.

before Chuck Noris met him he was doing round trailer kicks.

When he plays with animals, the plants cry.

ALSO I would shorten the one about dolphins above, to: When he swims, dolphins appear.

He knows where the Lost Ark is but doesn’t wish to ruin it for movie fans.

He once drove to Hawaii

Credit agencies call him for their credit score

People that don’t believe in love at first sight, have never laid eyes on him.

He never has to raise his voice.

Every time someone wins a lifetime achievement award, it’s because he took himself out of the running.

He dosen’t start his car, he leaves it running.

He can NEVER arrive fashionably late to a party – They do not start without him.

when he tells time he is always right

He sunk Atlantis…they remember why

He once convinced a mime to whisper it’s most secret desire

He is always on time… Yet somehow arrives fashionably late.

Even the ancient Egyptians built a temple in his honor because they anticipated meeting him in the after life.

Even the ancient Egyptians built a temple in his honor because they anticipated meeting him in the afterlife

omg these r so kewl! u rocK!!!

You have to read this website!

He once removed his own tonsils, just for the chocolate ice cream.

He can high five amputees.

He is the reason the bulls are running.

He once mixed a drink in a volcano when poured the drink was still cold.

The sun gets tan from him

When he looks in the mirror it smiles at him

He pisses 100% excellence

He does not make the ahh sound after his first sip of McDonald’s fountain Coke.

He was born circumsized.

He turned Medusa to stone after staring her in the eyes.

He and Chuck Norris once had a talk. Chuck Norris walked away a better man.

While making love, he yells his own name.

He once raped a croatian midwife with another mans penis, I am that croation woman

Wehn he wipes the paper is always clean..

He once went to confession and ended up forgiving the father.

he said let there be light and, well you know the rest

HAHAHHAHA!!! BEST ONE YET!

In Pamplona, the bulls run with him. He has never been euchered. Stray dogs obey his commands.

the boogieman check his closet before he goes to sleep to make sure he is not in it.

He sets his sundial for daylight savings time

but… i can too. i did it upon accident. twice.

He is the only living being to have been created in his present form.

The gods worship him.

When he gets angry, even Tornadoes run away.

He is the only one who knows the correct way to pronounce tomato.

Nothing is the only thing he hasn’t tried.

When he plays air guitar, Yngwei Malmsteen feels inadequate.

He was the goal of evolution.

Nuclear Bombs refuse to explode in his presence.

When he is around, oil will retreat back underground.

His cars run purely on interest.

He has been known to bring fossils back to life.

Some consider him the missing link.

He was a confidant of Albert Einstein.

He taught Stephen Hawking.

He was born to the parents of his choosing.

His birth was said to be painless.

when driving he always has the right of way

It was rumored that he once drew a blank, later it was found that he was writing in fine print.

Whatever side he is on is the right side

he once had change in his pocket because he liked the jingle

he once saved a village from lions because he is pride

he’s never been been backed down by a tripple dog dare

he doesn’t own a comb his hair just gets in place

he drinks dos equis because his thirst is the greatest

He single-handedly ended the cold war.

He knows the answer to the $64,000 question.

When he makes like a tree, he sticks around.

He has talked to a brick wall and it actually spoke back

He has bitten off a lot of things, but never more than he could chew

Has often professed the difference between his ass and a hole in the ground

He can see the forest AND the trees

Has actually made a molehill out of a mountain

His thumb is the one all the rules were written about

Has taught old dogs a variety of new tricks

He can see the future…. from the past.

He once shaved off his beard, that moment in time was called The Great Depression

He has never lost a sock in the laundry

Montazuma has apologized to him

His likeness would be on Mount Rushmore, if there were enough room.

LeBron James is worried he’ll move to Miami, and upstage him.

Even his enemies list him as their emergency contact! He’s that good!

His parents are named after him.

Spilled Milk cries over him.

He was the first person to wear a Members Only Jacket

He invented the wheel.

If he hosted Mythbusters, there would be no more myths left.

He KNOWS he can dance.

He can use pen on a Scantron, and still get 100%.

He makes love only for the benefit of the women.

He didn’t read Harry Potter 7 because he already knew how it was going to end.

He plays Craps with a single die–and has never lost.

Clovers grow extra leaves when he finds them.

He never carries a cell-phone–if he wants to talk to someone, they’ll come to him.

Google uses him as a Search Engine.

He can solve any Mystery Novel within the first chapter.

He doesn’t need a radio–he can hear the radio waves.

He never carries a watch, the time is always what he tells it to be.

He has had every flavor of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans.

He never has to recharge a battery.

He never has to check the weather–whatever he wears, the weathers will adjust accordingly.

If he is ever late to a movie theatre, he will still arrive before the commercials even start.

Movie theatre times revolve around his schedule.

He can pronounce words wrong, and you wouldn’t know the difference.

He knows more words than are in the dictionary–and that’s only including the English language.

He shot the Sheriff AND the Deputy.

He was asked to be the 5th Beatle, and he politely declined.

He once Googled himself, but there were so many results, even he couldn’t look through all of them.

After high school, he was accepted into every college in the world–before applying to a single one.

He knows where Elvis is hiding.

roses stop to smell him

He gave Al Gore the blueprints to the Internet.

While some people try to be perfect, perfect tries to be him.

He is currently living his afterlife

He is perfectly understood, in every part of the world

Even at night, he sees the light of day

He knows, who let the dogs out.

He has his moments…all the time.

His seances are the talk of the afterlife…

He once converted a vampire to vegetarianism…

bulls, flat out refuse to fight him

when it is raining, it’s because he is thinking about something sad

he once taught a german shepard how to bark in russian

he’s been known to cure narcolepsy by simply walking into a room

he’s organ donor card also includes his beard

people hang on his every word, even the prepositions

he can disarm you with his looks…or his hands…either way

he’s against cruelty to animals, but isn’t afraid to give a stern warning

When he wants to make a quick exit, he walks out the front door.

When the world gives him lemons, salt and tequila appear

The Thinker would stop thinking to look at him.

The sun rises every morning to watch him wake up.

He has met me without even knowing me

Women are gay for him.

He has been to eight continents.

He once saved an entire litter of baby pandas from freezing, with his beard.

M&M’s melt in his hands.

He steps on a jug and turns it to a six-pack. He steps on that and turns it into shots.

The caliente flavor hot sauce at Chipotle….is his sweat.

He once descended down to hell and back up without the guidance of Virgil. He can also make it to heaven without divine love.

He can Auto-tune his own voice without an Auto-tuner!!!

Chubaka is jealous of his beard.

He does dental work on the tooth fairy!!!

He wears the wind as his jacket…

He doesn’t go to concerts often, but when he does he goes to the Dan Band.

He doesn’t drink scotch so when he does it’s with a Dos Equis back.

He plays Marco Polo in the Pacific Ocean

hes never had to wait in a line……at the grocery store

he once held the sun up for 5 extra mins so he could finish his book

He once ate the face off of a Bear, yet his pulse never went above 85!

He has an heir…

if you have $5 and he has 5$, he automatically has more money than you.

If he were to yawn, the entire world would yawn in unison.

His name rhymes with orange.

His name rhymes with orange

Once ate a ice cream cone while exploring the Suns surface

All of his thoughts are original.

It’s been said that God has a Him complex.

Luxury, sits in his lap.

He once won Lemans-24hr race in 20 hrs…

He once hiked the entire Grand Canyon naked just so his balls could bounce to its rhythm

He once swam next to a Maryland Blue crab just to see if it would kiss him, and it did

He once beat up James Bond at an after hours party with a feather and his eyes blinded-folded

He once made love to an Oompa Loompa to save the species from irregular looks and mass extinction

He once met the Queen of England and she bowed at his feet, the next day he met the Pope and the holy one asked him for forgiveness.

Stay Lithuanian my Friends…Drink Utenos

He once postponed a total eclipse of the sun, because it interfered with his polo match.

Colonel Sanders entrusted only him with the secret fried chicken recipe.

Only he knows what truly happened to the Mayans.

It is rumoured that when Edmund Hilary reached the summit of Mount Everest, he was waiting with a thermos of hot coffee.

The month of February once lasted thirty days because he was vacationing during it.

Santa Claus sits on HIS lap

He can knock out Chuck Norris

He turned in a blank test and got a perfect score

He has never taken the time to question the existance of Bigfoot, they are close personal friends

When he takes a walk along the beach, the ocean listens to him

He once brought a knife to a gunfight, just to even the odds.

He crossed the Alantic…….. in a life raft

When asked on reinventing the wheel, he was quoted saying what was wrong with my original design?

He performed the very first heart transplant….. on himself, just to see if would work

Windows 7 Was His Idea 10 Years Ago

He only sleeps so that the rest of the world can catch up to his coolness

He would never have to get a touch-up on his tattoo’s… they simply do not fade.

He would never purchase insurance, of any kind, there simply isn’t a need.

He was wrong, once…….but he was wrong.

He know’s John Galt.

When asked who the three most important people in his life are, he has trouble thinking of the other two.

He made the Mona Lisa smile…….twice.

He knows exactly who moved your cheese.

He gave an apple with a note on it to a small child. It said Steve Jobs, this might give you an idea!

He can type 150 words per minute………..in Pig Latin.

He can hear Braille.

His bath water is used to cure impotency

The vulcan neck pinch has no effect on him

He once played tug of war with a super massive black hole… and won. stay thirsty my friends…

he once spit in my mouth, and got me drunk.

he once threw a rock into the ocean, till this day, its still skipping.

When he threw the first pitch at a MLB baseball game, the coaches fought each other to get him on their team.

He prefers photos unframed because life should be on the edge

He can blow out a candle just by staring it down

He finds evidence of evolution in his backyard

He enjoys skydiving… with no parachute

Everyday at noon on the top of mount Nihon Hyaku-meizan in Japan he gives himself a lice check

He was invited several times to join the A team, but he turned it down so that he could go end global warming with his bare hands

He enjoys the thrill of bankruptcy

He said the reason he’s never ran for president is because he can’t make the rules if he doesn’t live by them.

His left nut has more Facebook friends than you ever will. Yes, that’s the Royal you.

He locks his door to protect intruders from himself

In the running of the bulls he walks.

When he visits foreighn countries, he never speaks with an accent.

When visiting foreighn countries, he never speaks with an accent.

He is the only person who knows what jack Daniels old number 7 means

He was once in a monogamous relationship with thirteen women

Cubans buy his used cigars.

Was seen lighting a woman’s cigarette; during Hurricane Katrina.

He teaches his children to teach themselves

If a tree falls and doesnt make a sound. He hears it

he is the worlds number one dad though he has no sons

he only drinks from the holy grail

he was born with a full beard

his beard is worth more than troy palamalus hair

He rarely learns something new every day because he knows so much already.

He once went to a sporting event and the players cheered him.

Whatever side of the bed he wakes up on is the right one.

When the chips are down…it’s always a very small portion of his overall chip count.

Once, the eye of a passing hurricane winked at him.

He never goes back to the drawing board, it changes automatically.

His mother has a tattoo…it says Son.

He can flawlessly dance the Tango… with two left feet

He completed the Sistine Chapel in Just under 3 Minutes with a #2 pencil and no ladder.

It would have been less but he took a break for two minutes and 35 seconds to have several

gentlemen’s cocktail with a few ladies me had just met.

A jury of his peers found him Guilty…of perfection.

He can’t walk through grave yards for the one time he brought someone back from the dead.

The sun rises an hour later for him the day after cinco de mayo.

he’s allowed to touch the art at museums.

he went to psychic once, to warn her.

If he were to create a garden maze it would be responsible for more missing persons than the Bermuda triangle.

his only weakness is strenth

In the Beginning he created GOD.

His motto is: Safety third.

He went to a psychic once–to warn her.

He is so interesting he gave birt to himself, not his mother.

He once taught Jacques Cousteau how to scuba, he never needed the tank….

His seances are the talk of the afterlife….

He isn’t allowed to walk through cementaries for fear he’ll raise the dead…..

Mimes can’t help but talk to him…..

His sexual chemistry disturbs gravity!

Babe Ruth didn’t call his shot. He was only acknowledging MIMW in the stands.

He solved all of life’s mysteries…at the age of 2

His nickname is an understatement

Unlike superman, he has no kryptonite

He once called the doctor because his erection only lasted 3 hours and 57 minutes….

He doesnt often wear underwear….but when he does, he prefers………nah…nevermind. He never wears underwear.

He actually knows what a Rorschach test is…later admitting he collaborated on its creation…

He can judge a book by merely glancing at the cover.

Housekeeping has never knocked on his hotel room door.

He gently lives his life vigorously

He once ended a sentance with a preposition to know what it sounds like.

Ambulances have been known to chase him.

Astronauts salute him.

He once was a guard at Fort Knox.

He is the world’s most interesting man.

He loves riddles wrapped in an enigma… for dessert.

He goes ice-fishing with his bare hands.

Crouching tigers remain at rest at his passing.

Time borrows money from him.

He is the world’s most interesting man.

He caught a cold in 2008, and the world economy still hasn’t recovered.

His first science project was titled, Gravity Synthesis Without Mass.

Spies come in from the cold when he is near, and never return.

Charm and grace are his only investments.

He is the world’s most interesting man.

his beard knocked out chuck norris’ beard with two hands tied behind his back.

dogs purrrrr when he pets them

he parted the red sea 3 years before moses

hugh hefner once asked him to pose for playboy

he once sold a manbag to a lady

he lives on the streets; in a mansion

he’s so smart he taught dr phil a lesson

he somtimes drinks to get sober

he once saved david hassolhoff from drowning

he could teach shaq how to shoot freethrows

He has once won a game of chess without a king.

he once looked in a mirror to see what the fuss was all about

He IS the proof that the bermuda triangle is actually a parallelogram.

a long time ago, he introduced a lightning bolt to a guy named Zues

He gives candy back to babies.

He once Chuck Norrised Chuck Norris….twice.

He once engaged in a staring contest with a fish and won!

He once went to a psychic, to warn her.

He lives by the motto, Safety third

If he was to say that something costs an arm and a leg, it actually would.

Mother Teresea was inspired by him!

His afterthoughts have won Nobel Prizes.

He has never lost a sock

Bear hugs are what he gives bears

They Say Jesus Was The Only Man To Walk On Water, But He Is The Only To Swim On Land.

He Is The On The Only Man To Know The Last Digit Of Pi.

They Say Jesus Was The Only Man To Walk On Water, But He Is The Only To Swim On Land.

He is in the family photos of families he is not even a member of.

He does not reflect off a mirror; mirrors reflect off of him.

The circus ran away to join him…

He wears Orions belt.

He can’t get a shot because needles break on his skin.

Once a woman tried decided not to kiss him, her lips disagreed.

The craters on the moon are from him using it as a punching bag

When he was born he cut his own cord

He was once shot at, the bullet ran away in fear.

the money from overdraft fees goes to him

Women buy him a drink at the bar

He taught einstein physics

He once flew through the Bermuda Triangle… No one has seen it since.

The band U2 still hasn’t found what they’re looking for because, he has it.

Leunidus surrendered to him.

He once asked Chuck Norris to hold his jock strap….

He never wakes up on the wrong side of the bed. He wakes up in the middle…..of two women.

He fathered Tim Tebow and gave him up for adoption so that he could one day save florida… turned out pretty well but really what did you expect

Montezuma is afraid of his revenge.

He lights his cigars with thunder

He had a perfect score on the SAT’s even though he used his Mont Blanc to fill in the bubbles.

If he shaved his beard, the worlds population would decrease by half

he tripped himself while falling up

he can read 5 books in 5 seconds, simultaneously

He answers Gods prayers

Absolutely no one, has known the trouble I’ve seen….except him.

On the rare occasion that he enters a Gentlemen’s Club – the ladies tip him.

Brilliant, absolutley brilliant!!!

He thought he was wrong once , he later realized he was mistaken.

This quote belongs to Pete Conrad!

Orphans once started a charity… for him.

bravo!

huh?

He was Nǃxau’s dialect coach for The God’s Must Be Crazy.

He has deja-vu just to live the moments over again.

He doesn’t watch TV, TV watches him.

He has a tattoo that simply reads: Son

when time is of the essence, he is the essence.

He once scanned Einstein’s Theory of Relativity and immediatly solved the problem of The Grand Unified Theory.

five beauty queens once fought over his used condom…..

at the mere mention of his name, Mike Tyson falls to the floor and cries like a baby….

When he is in Rome, the Pope asks him for an audience……

His beard has a higher IQ than most Harvard professors……..

His farts are scentless and his shit doesn’t stink

He has won the Cy Young award twice but has never thrown a pitch

He had so many friends on MySpace they had to create a new website… Facebook

i dont know what i’m going to do, but he does

He fought the zombie apocalypse…..and won.

Out of respect, fire extinguishes itself in his presence.

his mom has a tatoo that says son

He makes the phrase a whole new meaning take on a whole new meaning.

7/11 would close if he asked them to.

A month before he was born, he finished potty training.

If he were ever to shave his beard, the country of Spain would fly their flag at half mast.

If he were to go hunting, baby seals would club them selves.

He is so interesting, that his words are insured by GEICO.

He turned down the Nobel Prize, even though Obama did not.

When Jesus knocked on the door of his heart, he answered, I’ve been expecting you.

he touched death. and it died

A movie about his life cannot be completed, no one wants it to end.

He once started a fire, using dental floss and water.

He is the only person Chuck Norris has apologized to.

During sexytime he puts it in soft and listens to the bones crack. (TMIMITW, 2009)

He once visited the Virgin Islands…….. now they are just called The Islands.

He always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.

He has never been shot, even when asked at point blank range. Projectiles simply refuse to strike him.

Gameshow hosts despise him, for he has the right answer to everything.

Sharks have a week devoted to him

They say the reason why the monalisa smiles is because he turned in her direction once.

They say he is the only person to have beaten Batman twice.

He is listed as Supermans other weakeness more potent then Kryptonite.

He is worthy of holding Thors hammer.

He was the original Flash.

He can get past Spidermans Spider senses.

Its said that he invented the period.

If he were to cook you dinner, you would want him to spit in your food.

he simply stood up and congress agreed with him

he simply stood up and congress agreed with him

When he passes the Statue of Liberty she can’t help but blush.

He has a personal elevator to heaven, so he can come and go as he pleases.

He doesnt belive in UFO’S, cause he knows exactly what everything is.

After an interview with Larry King, Larry became the Queen and he became the King

If he were to touch you, you’d be convicted of molestation

He built New York…out of Legos

He roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris, with both legs

When he sneezes, he is actually releasing gases in the air that reduces Global Warming

He roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris as fast as his reputation is growing with both legs

Global Warming is when he goes to Cancun and the world follows

If you have $5 and he has $5, he has more money than you.

he is the only man who knows where to find jimmy hoffa!

He once bet dollars to donuts,….and won.

He once ran a marathon in only 10 miles.

Chunky’s not his pony’s name.

Maybe change it to women.

his organ donor card also list his beard

God prays to him…

His attention span is longer than three lifetimes– his patience is not.

he never wakes up on the wrong side of the bed

if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, he would hear it.

the dog whisperer couldn’t train his dogs.

he doesn’t always fart, but when he does, hurricane and wildfire happens.

adam and eve lived in his garden

he was a waiter once, the customers took his orders.

he was sleep walking once, he walked on water.

if at first he does not succeed, then it is impossible.

he stopped the gulf oil leak.

he argued with a STOP sign, and won.

he talked to a brick wall, and it listened.

he once saved all the lemmings, after they fell off the cliff.

The Atomic clock sets its time by his watch

the president would take a bullet for him

the president once took a bullet for him

when pulled from his mothers whoom he slapped the nurse

when google can’t find it… they call him

He once drove a car cross country on four flat tires….to proove air pressure is just a theory!

He doesn’t pay homage, homage pays him.

The Loch Ness Monster thinks he is a myth.

He counts his chickens before they hatch…and they always hatch.

He has never once lost a sock in the dryer – not ever

His ass wipes itself..

he once held himself for ransom

Every time he plays the lottery, he wins!

His cigarettes light themselves

He has never lost an argument to his wife.

If he were to sneeze, his eyes would still be open.

If he gets a call from a restricted number, he is able to call them back.

Telemarketers refuse to call him.

Even as a baby, his scribbles have been defined as works of art.

His left thumb has been described as deadly.

Charlie Daniels once challenged him to a fiddling contest, Charlie lost.

he can use payphones for free

he once fired donald trunp

he ones cought jaws on a dingy

his bad breath smells good

he jumped for joy and got it

before he became the most interesting man in the world. he was the most interesting man in the world.

This ain’t Chuck Norris

His friends call him by his name, His enemies don’t call him anything ..because they’re all dead

His Charisma is visible from outer space.

He’s won the lifetime achievement award… twice.

He has made petrified wood burn.

He was a guard at Fort Knox for a week… alone.

He has rescued 11,000 dangling participles in a single day: dimpled chads don’t stand a chance.

He is the most interesting man in the world.

His beard is considered a National Treasure in 16 Countries.

Marcel Marceau has laughed at his jokes.

He never uses a lure when fishing.

Once, he had an idle thought, and promptly kick-started it. It was never idle again.

He is the world’s most interesting man.

The World’s Most Interesting Man on The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly:

Good must be very careful in dealings with evil, because evil prefers stupidity. In the end, the ugly will pay the highest price to own the victor.

He has never had a fleeting moment: he captured all of them.

He goes surfing in the Grand Canyon every spring.

He once met a man named D.B. Cooper while hiking in a forest.

He has never thrown caution to the wind without catching it.

He is the world’s most interesting man.

He plays tennis but doesn’t use the racquet.

He plays tennis but doesn’t use the racquet.

There are websites dedicated to discussing exactly how interesting he is.

Beer companies make commercials about him.

The United States has a spot on Mount Rushmore reserved for his face……just to the left of George Washington.

When Sir Edmund Hillary reached the summit of Everest he was already there

Local monks use his tears a holy water

He once won a Pulitzer for just being himself

Lebron James asked him what team he should go to

New sewers have been made for is shit, because it smells so nice.

The Pied Piper actually follows him.

If he is in town the swallows of San Juan Capistrano do not even think of leaving.

He once caught a foul ball at a baseball game…with his teeth.

The saying If I had a nickel for every time I heard that currently stands at $250,500.05…instead of quoting he collects.

He’s never had a side kick but if he did you’d never know it.

He’s never had a side kick but if he did it wouldn’t be you.

onions dont make him cry, they only make him stronger

When he needs to make a quick escape he simply walks out the front door.

He never saves for a rainy day.

He has died seven times and been revived, no make that eight….

He has buried a time capsule full of events that haven’t happened yet….

If a tree falls and no one is there to hear it, he does!

His father was named after him

The big bang was, in fact, the direct result of the first of many historical confrontations between his beard and Chuck Norris’.

Superman has pajamas with HIS logo on them

You’re grammar is horrific. The most interesting man in the world would never visit this site.

he never fills up on chips

He once proved three customers wrong … all in one day.

His to-do list says, Done.

He once drank a bottle of Everclear…………10 minutes later he said im feeling the buzz .

He has never had a fleeting moment: he captured all of them.

He goes surfing in the Grand Canyon every spring.

He once met a man named D.B. Cooper while hiking in a forest.

He has never thrown caution to the wind without catching it.

He is the world’s most interesting man.

He has climbed Mt. Everest four times, backwards.

He does not cater to a whim, EVER.

He discovered that a Universe resides within a Black Hole.

The devil has abandoned the details because of him.

He is the world’s most interesting man.

He has never been asked for identification: everyone knows him.

He designed and invented the fragrance of money.

His diet is perfectly balanced.

His resume includes Arctic and desert rescues in a single week.

He gave Stalin the finger on Russian television, twice.

The swallows of San Juan Capistrano will not return until he arrives.

He owns a collection of 47 different butterfly fossils.

Swventy two countries will neither confirm or deny his existance.

He is the world’s most interesting man.

His casual glances have been known to influence divorce laws.

He crossed Death Valley 3 times, and demands that its name be changed.

He once tore up a dictionary because it included the word procrastination.

Time owes him money.

He is the most interesting man in the world.

His patience is lined with teflon: it never wears out.

His flatulance DOES smell like a bouquet of roses.

When he grabs the bull by the horns, the bull ALWAYS loses.

He formulated and patented the sweet smell of success.

He is the most interesting man in the world.

He owns 50 acres of land: 40 in Manhattan and 10 in Tahiti.

He has had to remind several dictators that they are only appointed for life.

His diet is perfectly balanced.

His thousand yard stare is considered a lethal weapn in 59 countries.

He is the most interesting man in the world.

If he was your pilot you’d hope for a crash landing

He can fool all of the people all of the time.

Mr. Whipple lets him squeeze the Charmin.

His seances are the talk of the after life.

It said he won’t go near a cemetery because of that one time he rose the dead.

The hairs on the back of his neck never stand up.

When he was born, he slapped the doctor.

He once turned a vampire into a vegetarian.

When the owl asks Who?, the is answer is always him.

Ghosts pick up their chains when he sleeps.

He cannot be bought, but occasionally his beard clippings come up for auction.

If he disagrees with you, that’s because you are wrong.

Whatever side of the tracks he’s on is the right side; if he were to cross to the other side, he would still be on the right side.

An Easter Island monolith was carved in his honor.

He doesn’t own any gold, but makes a lot of rules.

Sports cars are exhilirated by his driving.

He shook hands with every man that walked on the Moon.

He is the world’s most interesting man.

The ice-water in his veins has been known to boil the blood of others.

He has performed CPR on fourteen people: they are all still alive today.

He is the master of his domain, and yours too if you’re not careful.

A paradigm shift occurs whenever he enters a room.

His family tree can be found in a forest of Sequoias.

He always conducts business meetings with adversaries in Shanghai, which is the main reason why he has no business adversaries.

He has produced buckminsterfullerene by simply lighting a candle.

He has been known on occasion to enjoy a barbeque flavored cigar.

He is the most interesting man in the world

He can actually delete the Recycle Bin

The Most Interesting Man in the World: Certainty

There are four things in life that are certain; death, taxes, the resistance to them, and stupidity. I have my doubts about the first three.

Stay thirsty my friends.

In Italy he once starred at the Tower of Pisa….and it leaned

he never follows the latest trends, he sets them

Of him, the Beatles once said, We were only bigger than Jesus.

Lesbians turn straight just by the sight of him.

He invented bear hugs…..Because he is the only person to ever give a bear a hug.

he once punched a man in the soul.

at museams he’s allowed to touch the art

He once proved p^~p, by induction on his beard hairs.

Before She met him, the Invisible Pink Unicorn was merely invisible.

When assaulted by muggers, they give him all their money.

Superman reads comic books about him

The Leaning Tower of Pisa rested on his shoulder

Extraterrestrials are searching space to find out if he really exists

Babe Ruth was pointing at him

One hour of conversation with him is equivalent to 16 years of college.

his fascination will freeze water, and extinguish fire.

He can spit into the wind…without fear of consequence.

The Lone Ranger removes the mask in his presence…out of respect.

Superman was grounded when he tugged on his cape.

Man Hating Lesbians have become heterosexual after seeing him from across the street.

At the zoo, he is allowed to feed the animals.

He is allowed to feed the animals at the zoo.

As a child, when asked by a teacher, What would you like to be when you grow up? He Answered, Myself.

He is so interesting, even the blind recognize him.

As a youngster, he was so athletically gifted, playing baseball, he was consistently intentionally walked……in t-ball.

He has left more women satisfied than sex, shopping, and chocolate…………..combined!

He always walks a straight line, even when he’s drunk.

He is a master chef, when he dices the onions, they cry.

He is an happy man, but make no mistake, he could ensure Jimmy Buffett have a bad day.

His passwords never expire!

He has never learned a lesson, he teaches them.

He has wone several castle building competitions, using only the sands of time!

He asks only himself for advice!

Whatever he eats that day, isn ow the national dish of Spain.

He once kept the sun from rising, because he was not finished making love!

He was quoted in the bible saying Stay thirsty my twelve friends

In Mexico City, Circa 1925, He urinated in a bottle, You may know this as Corona.

Stay Thirsty My Friends!

He is what you call Sans Fear.

He goes to the running of the bulls, and the bulls run from him.

Even his single socks have mates…

he once stayed at a holiday Inn…then he bought it.

he once took a dump, that looked like the mona lisa.

he once slept with 5 of his exes, all at the same time.

he once used micheal jordan as his waterboy.

he once taught italians how to make cars, and then convinced them to drive them off cliffs

He is a lover not a fighter, but he is also a fighter so do not get any ideas

People hang on his every word, even his prepostions

He can disarm you with his looks, or hands, either way

Quote – It is never too early to start beefing up your obituary

His grocery lists have won Pulitzers.

His grocery lists have won Pulitzers

His tears would cure cancer…. if he ever cried.

He once performed open heart surgery in Japan…from a beach in Los Angeles.

The New York Times dedicated a page and a half to his seasonal hair growth trends.

He has never had to open a door, his timing is perfect. — Torinn Pope

He teaches his rooms to service themselves so he doesn’t need room service.

he never drinks in moderation

A swarm of killer bees once ran from him

His urine can cure cancer. Stay thirsty my friend.

He does his part to help the environment, by exhaling only oxygen.

He once birdied a par three with a four-putt

He once got AIDS and AIDS died.

He’d never initiate a conversation about the weather, even in a typhoon.

He can inhale and exhale at the same time.

He plans his dreams. Three months in advance.

His dog bags and throws away its own poop.

He once walked into a bank and the bank robbed him.

His groceries check themselves out.

The AI used for IBM’s Deep Blue supercomputer were based off of moves he might make while playing chess, but it was impossible to get these moves exact because he never plays games….ever.

He tells Rolex what time it is.

People with amnesia remember him.

He came up with the idea to put salt in the ocean, to make people thirsty.

He once killed the elusive chupacabra, with a stern look….then brought it back to life with his smile.

He has often been mistaken for God.

He can smell fear, even when he doesn’t want to.

He taught a rubics cube to solve itself!

he was drafted in to the NFL straight out of the womb..

jesus walks on water he swims through land…

he can build Rome in a day..

even the deaf………..can hear him speak..

his tears can cure cancer….too bad he never cries.

he never gets distracted….not even when he’s distracted.

if he was tiger woods he would of never got caught..!

gas prices drop when he shows up at the pump..

when he shows up to the bank there is never a line

if he was president he’d serve 3 terms

he could make lemonade without using lemons…

his coin rolls its’ self..

if he owned a dairy queen they’d sell beer…

he burns calories while eating pizza…

he once performed open heart surgery, closed..

The sun doesn’t rise…until he goes to sleep. It knows it will be outshined.

Stars learn to sparkle by looking at his eyes.

You would feel safe on a 777 over the atlantic ocean with him on board, even after the entire crew dies from food poisoning.

He was the first person to jump out of a perfectly good airplane…without a parachute.

He once asked a woman to say ‘NO’ to him, so he could understand rejection.

In August of 1981 he left Europe for Peru, so as not to interfere with a solar eclipse in the Northern Hemisphere.

For his part in the event, the doctor that delivered him at birth was later canonized by the Catholic Church.

When he does push ups, he doesnt push himself up, he pushes the World away.

HE ONCE GOT A GIRL PREGNAT BY JUST LOOKING AT HER

when fishing he does not use a lure are bate, just fishing line.

He is the Deadliest Catch

Yeah, great job Bruce. You used one from the commercial. Brilliant.

My recent post The Best and the Worst of Product Spokespersons

He bleeds blue….. and thats normal

He sleeps On 4 different Boats and lease 5 others

His profile was caught by astronomers during the most recent eclipse

His picture is worth more words know to man

He has over a million facebook friends that all requested him

He would beat Floyd mayweather in a fight but Floyd was smart enough to decline the offer

His thousand yard stare makes babies

His investments contain derivatives, but his investments are primarily barley and hops.

The Isreali intelligence community has inquired on many occasions, about his name,his beard,and his thirst -in no particular order.

Time only passes when he allows it to.

He is the bro the code refers to.

Even Barney the dinosaur is interesting when he watches.

When a tree falls alone in a forest…he hears the sound.

Bond, James Bond calls him or leaves a message every day.

He sucessfully reinvented the wheel.

He forced the mob to file for chapter 11.

He invented the Spanish accent.

He ounce drove in reverse while going forward

He is so virile he can get a woman pregnant just by looking at her.

He one tried to make a fire, but petrified wood doesn’t burn

If he had sex with Medusa, she would turn to stone and crack in two.

For fun he will open a can of whoopass with his tongue.

If he said the world is flat, then it is.

If he ordered a beer, there would be a world shortage.

he doesn’t use silverware – the food just jumps into his mouth

he would have created the world Iin only 6 days

He defeated a blue whale in

A breath holding competition… With time to spare

His car runs on his personality alone

His personality is so electric that every device in a mile radius recharges

God prays to him

Tragedies only happen when he’s sleeping

To him gravity is just a freindly suggestion

To him the ten commandments are only guidlines

He would have won the battle of Thermopylae, by himself

His looks CAN kill

He only speaks in aimbic pentameter

God believes in him

He’s cheated death four times, because he can

Fate doesn’t apply to him

Tigers refuse to fight him bare handed

When cobras bite him they die

His presence cures disease

Viruses fear him

The boogie man is afraid of him

He once lead a horse to water, and made him drink.

when he looks in the mirror roses appear with him.

women call him just wishing he’d answer this phone.

Mardi Gras wouldn’t start till he showed up.

women call him just wishing he’d answer this phone.

He once beat Through Fire and Flames on expert…with only one hand

Miss Daisy has driven him.

He has never read The Da Vinci Code, because he has hidden the holy grail in his beard.

Major League Baseball has put his tears on their list of banned substances for their positive effect on a player’s performance.

Historians follow him around…just to see what he’ll do next!!

He was once off guard…but nobody caught it!

He lives for the moment…unless its a moment too soon!

Hes banned from Guiness Book of World Records…to give others a chance!

Hes fluent in 12 languages…yet has never uttered a word in 5 of them.

He can wake up in any country and smell the coffee brewing in Brazil!

He sneezed at the Vatican and the Pope blessed him!

he once ate just one lays potato chip…just one

In Africa, a hungry lion once caught scent of him and gave chase. When he approached, he rolled onto his back to have his belly scratched.

He has been married 3 times, but he has never been divorced

He can speak perfect English, Spanish, French, German and Italian but he can tell you everything with his eyes

He would never hurt a fly because it is impossible for him to attract flies

he has never made re-fried beans. he gets it right the first time.

he has played to sold out concerts all over the world, playing air guitar.

when kife gives him lemons, he makes dos equis

Oprah is on his book of the week club

He has never caught a cold. But a cold has caught him.

he puts on suits …..just to custom make them

having dealt with prasssoulis /koutroubis/ saites/christakis …………..just in his pinkie he is still a legend

he once slammed a revoving door!!!!!!!!!!

he knows where in the world carmen san diego is

Polar bears fish for him.

Polar bears fish for him.

He was potty trained at birth!!!

He does not donate sperm, the current bid is about 13.6 billion dollars.

When he was in school, teachers signed up to take his classes

When he’s good he’s good , When he’s Bad He’s Better..

He was bored… so he became left-handed as well.

His bologna spells his name.

He is what separates the men from the boys; the men from the gods.

His car runs on sexual tension

Onions don’t make him cry, they only make him stronger!

His business card reads, I’ll call you!.

When he’s out walking his Chiwawa, he still looks tough!

Heracles once challenged Him to an arm wrestling match…and lost.

The Pope uses the holy water that he blesses!

And it is your grammar, not you’re grammar…dumbass

He has never struck a match, he just looks at them

he makes walking a chihuahua masculine

If he disagrees with you, it is because you are wrong.

I actually heard this one on a radio commercial.

ambulances pull over to let him by

when in a library people ask him to please speak

once when playing in a little league game he pitched the ball to himself and caught it before it went over the fence

he runs the 100 yard dash in 90 yards

when running the hurdles, he goes under them

he once woke up on the wrong side of a round bed

he swims immediately after eating

The old spice guy wishes he smelled like him

When he decides to surf, the waves will become perfect.

he doesnt have a friend that knows madonna he knows her personally

before his visit, it was just called that wall in china

Man landed on the moon, because he requested a designated driver to get him home..

he is first one to call darren carter the party starter also first to say rock out with my cock out

He once synthesized DNA molecules using only horsetail hairs and rubbing alcohol.

Even in his dreams, he’s an insomniac.

He once wrote a thesis on plagiarism.

He has his own gravitational field. The furniture has to be bolted down to keep from orbiting him.

He can throw off a dog’s scent from half-way around the world.

He owns so many properties, he rents his summer home out to himself without knowing it.

The government once audited him, and he found errors in their balance sheets.

He once had a constellation moved because he wanted to see it from his backyard.

Women worship the people he walks on.

He writes novels from back to front to surprise himself.

So engrossed in his affairs, he hired another man to write his autobiography.

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence he’s on!

In the healthcare debate, HE IS the public option!

Sharks have a week dedicated to him!

His fingernail clippings are currency in 12 countries and any country he visits

He took his SAT with a ball point pen….needless to say he aced it

He talked his beard into staying they same length…..he did this when he was 3

He has never constructed a resume…..but has been hired for every job that interviewed him

He was the first man to goto Jared

The sun comes up late on the 6th in case his Cinco party ran late

As he was being born his mother experienced an orgasm not pain.

He doesn’t record tv. The networks call him to format their lineups.

He once farted in a crowded elevator… and everyone ELSE said excuse me.

He taught a man sign language. The man was blind.

He finished a marathon, in 14.3 miles.

When playing golf, he just hits his ball and tells it where to go.

He once told a spider mole how to say Marcus Dunswald.

he can divide by zero

You walk in on him and your girl friend having sex…and you walked out pregnant

I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I beat my kids savagely….stay thirsty my friends

He can solve the Rubik’s Cube in 3 seconds… using only one hand.

He invented Funky Cold Medina.

When he looks into the mirror, his reflection gives him a thumbs up.

He once resold his timeshare for a profit.

He shot an 82 at the Master’s and Augusta still gave him the course record.

Sometimes he wakes up early….just so he can spend more time with himself.

He can’t wait for tomorrow, because everyday he gets cooler.

he uses tigers for house cats

before he went back to the future he returned

He found a penny made of nickle

he found a penny made of nickle

people ran up to him so they can shake his shadow’s hand.

His shadow are in color.

it’s he owns 3 sports cars but wrecked 5

Every time he goes for a swim, Mermaids appear..

Rosa Parks didn’t give up her seat because she was holding it for him.

He once walked outside with a massive erection… There were no survivors

The calculator asked him what 2+2 is

Chuck Norris would rather shake his hand than give a roundhouse kick to the beard.

So cool he doesn’t need the other side of the pillow.

If Michael Bolton were on his iPod, he’d be world famous again.

His beard is insured by Lloyd’s of London…for free.

in blogs and things of such nature the apostrophe can be used as a que to pause.I hope that makes it a little more tollarable.

Disaster fell in love with him, because he is always flirting with it

He once slapped Mike Tyson in public. Tyson thanked him.

His walnut-sized hemorrhoids are worshipped by the world’s leading proctologists.

he once saved an entire African village from swarming army ants.

With a garden hoe and mason jar.

What he does in Vegas…

Just cannot be contained by Vegas.

He once appeared in a foreign language movie that was so good it has never been subtitled.

His Mother has a tattoo, that says Son

He wakes up sleeping dogs….he never lets them lay.

Can deep sea dive, without an oxygen tank.

Has taken up sky diving just to unwind.

He has crossed the point of no return – on several occasions.

Oxygen needs him to survive.

He’s gives trick answers when asked trick questions.

He sings kareoke in Cantonese.

He has often completed a project before he begins.

He flosses his teeth before eating corn on the cob

He considers the practicing of any skill to be a form of cheating.

He’s Rick James….B#tch

He’s the only one who knows what Willis is talkin about

Sometimes when I am outside, I turn my face to the sun….so it can soak up a bit of me.

Stay thirsty my Friend. – TMIMITW

Is the only man in the world that can devide by zero.

Memorized pie by to the infinite decimal point because he had nothing else to do that afternoon. Yes I said infinate he quanified that number.

He gives Slurpees brain freeze.

He can successfully compare apples to oranges__

He’s the only man who can have his cake and eat it, too__

He has never lost a sock in the dryer__

Sliced bread is the greatest thing since him__

He gives the cable guy a time range in which to arrive

When he farts, people don’t hold their breath.

People don’t mind when he eats with his mouth open, so they can see what he is eating.

He has discovered the meaning of life, and found it to be boring

He killed curiosity, because it was look ing at his cat wierdly.

His photographic memory is in HD

he once thought he made a mistake, but was mistaken

He once had a staring contest with himself in a mirror for 2 days.. on the 3rd day, he won.

His breath smells like flowers… or do flowers smell like that becasue he breathed on them?

If he mistakenly whistles when he walks, children will follow him… even to their own demise.

He once sent $2000 to a Nigerian scammer, and actually received his $2.7 million inheritance.

He has been scuba diving, on Mount Everest.

If BP had sent him in a submersible to the damaged gulf oil well, he would have repaired it the first day on the first try.

His rice crispies never get soggy…they stay crispy…just for him…

He’s so smart,he can watch 60 minutes in only 48!

He will contradict the saying When you die you cant take it with you He will.

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants, don’t believe me? Just ask J.Mullet. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Oakland A’s, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams, championship humping bumble bees and I have fought Chuck Norris. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, I have spoken with Elvis and been to Burning Man! And I LOVE THAILAND.

He has been asked by the IRS to audit them.

when he sings, mermaids got enchanted and birds sigh…

When he disagrees with you, it is because you are wrong

Is so cool, Abolsute Zero is based on him; yet so hot 5600K is his phone number, license plate, social security number, ATM PIN code, IQ ….

Has a brain coated in teflon.

he went skydiving, underwater

He catches the early bird.

He is 99 of Jay-Z’s problems.

He once thought he was wrong…But wasn’t..

He negotiated the land we live on today…

He thought his name was Amazing until he was five years old…

He once turned a vampire into a vegetarian

He once split the ocean appart! Just so he could walk accross!

He knows where all of those missing socks go, but isn’t saying…..

He once did a push-up, the ground moved.

He once made a fire out of petrified wood

That’s the best one yet & completely absurd.

He doesn’t thank himself for Fridays.

His mom has a tattoo that reads, Son

He was asked to be a judge at the Miss Universe pageant and he won the pageant.

If he were to have his biography on CD, it would take two lifetimes to listen to it.

dont ask your country what it can do for you, just ask him

when in Pamplona….the Bulls Run from him

he is the most interesting man in the world

He once challenged his reflection to a staring contest. On the forth day… he won.

James Bond would NOT make a pimple on this man’s ass.

He was born at the age of 5.

He does not chase storms……..they chase him Brannon

Superman had to leap over tall buildings… tall buildings crumble before him so he can step over them

To him, two in the bush is always worth more.

Cab drivers ask him for directions.

when he said suck it, your mouth blows up. trust me

He teaches an advanced course for lesbians at the local university. If you are going to do it ladies, do it right.

after landing, airline pilots thank him for a smooth flight

His tear ducts have evolved to emit conditioner for his beard, since he has never shed a tear.

If a tree fell in the woods while he was around, it would be highly recommended for it NOT to make a sound.

He dosnt pull all nighters …they just come to him

Knock knock jokes are done becoause he’s always gona be there

He once created an institution for the prevention of Tay-Sacchs Syndrome. Thanks to the institute, he was later born without the disease.

He once ran a marathon backwards, just to see what second place looked like.

The Lord of the Rings is an allegory of his daily shower

He rarerly learns something new every day because he knows so much already.

I thought his name was Jonathan Lippe.

He once stared at a Grizzly bear straight in the eye!

His creativity induces arrays of hope!!!

he knows Victoria’s secret

The Soup Nazi always has soup for him

he once had sex with Paris Hilton at the Hilton, in Paris.

One time a woman told him she liked it rough and dirty. after they did the deed, just as he was about to leave, she said, wait, i didn’t even catch your name

he replied, just call me SANCHEZ

he gets more butts than an ashtray

He always wins a costume contest, but he never dresses in costume.

He once pitched a No Hitter while delivering a baby !!!

Before he learned, he taught someone else to play the piano.

and you re all on the pay back in trying to create a meme for some beer commercial??

you stained the name of the norris

When he gets crabs, they are the ones who itch.

For him,taintis only a minor inconvenience.

His condoms always break.

He can open a pinata with a wink and a smile…

his memory is so good he does not have to remember

When in Rome, they do as HE does.

When the cops pull him over… he lets them off with just a warning.

He doesn’t watch sports b/c he already knows who is going to win.

What he does in Vegas comes home with him.

He doesn’t wear a jacket b/c the ladies always think he’s hot.

If he was Mike Rowe he’d never get dirty.

His watch doesn’t tell him the time…he tells it.

When he goes to a lake the ducks feed him.

His maid has a maid.

He never has to blink.

When he was born and the doctor slapped him on the butt…he slapped him back.

His real name is Howard Hughes.

Pandas want to cuddle with him.

Snakes fear Him.

Women say he tastes like chocolate.

Chuck Norris has a poster of Him on the wall. He secretly wishes it was autographed.

He once performed a miracle, but refuses to talk about it.

His credit score is what all others are compared to.

It is said he can talk to animals

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